She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
