Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Oh god it's open bar.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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