He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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