i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
