Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He kissed a someone with a penis
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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