How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
