My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
