I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
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