I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
