how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
