so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
