she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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