i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
