Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
FUCK WHALES
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
