i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
