so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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