I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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