I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
