stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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