He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
