why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
