This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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