so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
