Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
