maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
