Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I cockslap morals
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
