one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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