Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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