I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
