she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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