He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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