He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
my nose is crying tears of wow.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
