you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
