Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
