I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
