Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
