Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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