My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
