Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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