Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
