y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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