I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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