ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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