im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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