am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
