she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
