I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
