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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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