you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
