I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
birth control should be required to get into college
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
