Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
