just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
